Today I became the member of a club I hoped never to join… my heart aches and I am filled with a mix of emotions: confusion, pain, anger, and longing cover me. Today it was confirmed I had a miscarriage. My body has betrayed me! Instead of nourishing my sweet baby to grow and thrive, I have spent the past 10 days suffering from cramping and weakness while I helplessly waited for my fears to become reality.
On the 4th of July I excitedly surprised my husband with the news of my pregnancy, I had bought a book entitled “I’m Going to be a Big Brother” and my toddler eagerly carried it to daddy to read. We were overjoyed and wanted to share our happiness with everyone! However, we decided Aaron’s paren’t should be the first to know, so we planned a way to surprise them during their visit just two weeks later. Unfortunately, only 48hrs before their arrival I started spotting. Knowing how common spotting is I tried not to panic and I called my OB, I was quickly reassured but cautioned to call back if it worsened. That evening my bleeding increased and I made an urgent appointment for the following day. Ultrasound confirmed my baby was still there, but too young to see a heartbeat! My OB ordered labs to ensure my hormones were increasing appropriately and scheduled a repeat ultrasound for the following week. I waited in agony. Two days later we learned my hormones were increasing, but not as well as hoped. My fears were prolonged, still nobody could confirm if the baby was healthy!
My in-laws arrived as planned and I used their presence to rest as much as possible. Despite being on bedrest my symptoms continued to worsen and I couldn’t imagine my baby surviving the flood racking through my body. Every night I cried out to God to save our baby, I have experienced so much loss in the last 5 years please don’t take my unborn baby too! That is when he sent my little light to give mommy exactly what she needed. On the day my symptoms were their worst Luke must have sensed something wrong because he did something he has never done before and hasn’t done since. While I laid on the couch watching him play he gave me repeatedly gave me hugs and kisses. Then he walked down toward my feet, lifted my shirt, snuggled my tummy, and kissed my lower belly! It was as though he was trying to comfort the baby! At just 17 months old we hadn’t even tried to explain to Luke that mommy had a baby in her belly. It was such a clear God moment assuring me that all would be okay. Today, just over a week after seeing our baby on ultrasound we returned to the doctor to hear if our baby had grown. Unfortunately, what we found instead was that my fears were reality, my uterus is empty.
While I am a firm believer in being open with your pain because God never wastes a hurt and my story may help someone else, I have come to dread the “words of encouragement offered.” Doctors, friends, family, and even those whom have also suffered this loss all say the same things: ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ ‘It’s probably for the best,’ ‘there was probably something wrong with the baby anyway,’ ‘ you can try again’. NONE OF THESE EASE MY PAIN, in fact they make me angry. While I know these are all statements made to comfort, and some are even thoughts I have had myself, all of these “condolences” minimize the life of my child! My baby wasn’t just a ‘ball of cells’ or a ‘fetus’, it was a BABY. A child whom I will never nurse, never rock to sleep, who’s first words I will never hear, and first steps I won’t witness. I don’t even know if our baby was a boy or girl.
So my dear baby know you are loved, even in your loss. I will never forget you and I will make sure your life, even if it was short, will not be wasted. For your life has a purpose and God chose us to be your parent’s for a reason.
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